You know how when you were 16 you were hoping to see the Kingdom Chums address autoerotic asphyxiation? How you were rocking out to “It’s not necrophilia if it still has a pulse”? Well, the Kingdom Chums were never ones to shy away from society’s various faults and were also there to address our sexual anxieties.  Who doesn’t cherish classics like “Let’s put back the ick! into human trafficking!”, “Mom, who are these men?” and “Don’t pee on your spouse!”. Now they’ve teamed up again, combined adultery and animals into a fun packed story and taught us another valuable lesson in what I call the curriculum of life. In the human school.

I know what we do for this season of Lost! Let’s gather up chubby, scary, asia and dead and have them say “mmmh… cake”. That’s another mystery! And we’re Lost! It makes a lot of sense if they just say mmmh, cake and if they do it in front of a green screen so that it’s not meaningful. And cake sounds a lot like Kate. And no one even likes Kate! This show is getting better by the second, people. By the second! I need to pee!

Mother Earth is a blue haired lady with white streaks in her hair and doves coming out of her hands. But Mom Earth is terrible at not giving five rings to kids from different continents so she gave five rings to five “special people” so they could summon a blue man who exercises a lot and be in an early 90s TV show because special people are in early 90s TV shows. But we knew that. Tell us something new, blogpost!

Husband: Hey, honey, you know how you’re so overweight that you will probably die of congestive heart failure, like, tomorrow?

Wife: I know, right!?

Husband: I was thinking we do a video of you making clapping sounds with your thighs and disseminate through a medium filled with people full of heartfelt compassion and life experience!

Wife: I love you.

Husband: I know.

There is apparently going to be a third movie in the Twilight series saga and it’s called Eclipse but that’s nobody’s fault. And whenever people make movies to put into theater they also make tiny movies to showcase the big movie in a very short time because we have very busy lives. And one brave girl took some time out of her rich life to show us how she reacted to said tiny movie of Eclipse. I am now liveblogging my reactions to her reactions in a non live medium with a prewritten post. It’s going to be awesome.

A bloody baby, hyper intelligent shark people and ugly people on state-run television. What do they have in common? The answer is nothing. But that doesn’t mean bloody babies and hyper intelligent shark people cannot be featured in montage of the top 20 5-second videos of 5secondfilms.com. But before you try figuring out how long the video is going to be hit the jump and find out the answer.

Someone finally updated her eharmony profile! Zhang Ruifang here enjoys long walks on the beach, challenging the integrity of God’s followers and singling out Africa. But she is probably best known for her invention of homosexuality and Pokémon. Zhang is looking for someone to pet her horn and keep Hitler company. If you want to get in touch with Zhang masturbate and she’ll come to you.

No Catholic clergy or televangelists please, Zhang just came out of an abusive relationship. Being half human, half death-cake is a plus but not required.
Via bild.de

If you think you’re cool now chances are you really are cool now because why lie to yourself? That doesn’t make sense. And yet when you woke up today you didn’t know that you could want a set of TV inspired figurines so bad you might even write a blog post about it to illustrate your craving.

And this is exactly how I didn’t feel today. Because while I do want a set of these Mad Men dolls really bad I don’t have enough fantasy to actually put them to use other than to have them fornicate. And that’s a short-lived joy. Much shorter than Asian girls laughing and screaming at a pair of hairy legs. Now, that’s entertainment we can believe in.

via: NYTimes

Me and my fellow Bieberians and Biebernauts (we call ourselves that, right?) just HATE it when people with a certain sexual orientation start having haircuts and faces like our Justin. We hate it. And resent it and only Justin can make our anger and/or our virginity go away. Shoo, go away, I say. Don’t look at this page. It’s filled with vile lesbians looking like our angelic pubescent savior. Rapture us, Justin! Rupture Rapture us already!

Link of a day: lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com

p.s. you too!

The following sentence is inspired by a true story: You look into a mirror and you know you’re not going out today. True story. Now tape-aided prettiness is not a craze, it’s here to stay and ask if it can use your bathroom because it hasn’t been in a bathroom for ages and feel it could use a little face 2.0. Granted transforming yourself into Michael Jackson is easy. Few props required. Try Ke$ha. You don’t have this much garbage at home! Michael Jackson? Sure. Video after the jump.